The "If Onlys"

To continue from the last blog, I mentioned that in spite of your feelings and your flesh, you need to persevere in your walk with Christ. You may think "easier said than done." You may scoff at this and think that you just don't have time for Him.

Life, at times gets so overwhelming, that sadly our walk with Him diminishes. Lately, I have felt a strong hunger and desire to walk with God. I want to walk with God "in spite of" and not through the "if onlys". Let me explain myself. When life's demands increase, we think "if only I had the time to serve God" or "if only I had my bills in order and working overtime becomes a thing of the past" or "if only I was single and without kids, I would be in church 24-7." Recently, I spoke to a good friend of mine and mother of 5. She spoke to me about how she manages her time with God "in spite of" all her responsibilities. When she showers, she plays gospel music. While she cooks, she turns on the TV to hear the word of God, while she drives to the grocery store, she plays CDs with the message of God. Before her children go to bed, she prays for them. While she performs her daily duties, she is in constant communication and in meditation of His Word.

Wow! This is a life of "in spite of". I just realized that I can still walk with God "in spite of" our problems, our lives, and our feelings. Joshua 1:8 says "Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful." (NIV)
I am not going to give up on God and I exhort you to do the same. Make your walk with Him happen "in spite of" and not on the sidelines of the "if onlys".

The follow-up

It has been a while since I have written a blog. Maybe because I was discouraged that few have read it or maybe because of the overwhelming, sometimes choking events of life. All I know is that I have a need to write. To write my thoughts, my struggles, and my discoveries as I progress as a Christian, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and human being.

I realize now that we have many roles in our lives. Sometimes those roles engulf our lives and don't allow us to fully enjoy the wonderful things that God has provided. Last weekend I was in a women's conference and although it was a wonderful experience, I was very burdened. I recall meeting another woman from church and seeing in her eyes a deep seeded tiredness that I could relate to. Being a professional mom is not easy. Being a reliable, professional mom is even harder. There are so many commitments that I need to follow through and so many tasks that I need to finish. Consequently, I have experienced incredible remorse. I miss my family. I miss hugging my baby. I miss my husband. And most of all, I miss having time with God. The last statement rings so true to my heart that at times, I wonder if everything we fight for is really helping us know God on a deeper level.

Last week I found out that there is a big possibility that my father has cancer. What hurts me the most from this announcement is that I didn't hear this from him. He refuses to tell my siblings and I about his situation. This is hard for me because I want to have to opportunity to talk to him about God's healing power but I can't do that if he won't talk to me. As a result, I have felt alone and without an avenue to express my sorrow and frustration.

A few minutes ago, I received a comment to one of my blogs from last year. As I began reading my past blogs, I was reminded that despite all the changes in my life (Joshua 1:9), that God has been with me at all times. I know that He is a healer and that His purposes are greater than my own. Ephesians 1:11 says that "In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will." I know God has a plan. Even if I don't see it. Even if it doesn't feel right. God knows the desires of my heart and He knows the desires of yours.

I guess deep in my gut, I know everything will work out for His glory. I just need to tell myself in these hard times to be strong in Him, to carry His joy even when my flesh and soul mourns. I can only imagine what Paul must have felt writing and encouraging so many people with his letters. I wonder if the same people that received healing from his writings reciprocated to Paul. I assume that the numbers did not match. But Paul had Jesus by His side to sustain him, to lift him up in times of trouble, and to encourage him whenever it seemed there was no solution. And thanks to Jesus's sacrifice, so do we.

God: My Healer, My Helper (Part 3-Final)

We moved thanks to the help of many friends and 3 weeks later, I had my regular appointment with the OBGYN. During that appointment, I found out that I was going to have a girl. Can you believe it? A baby girl. Although I did not know the sex of the baby at the time, one of the things I was praying for was for the baby’s health. That afternoon, the doctor said, “Well, it seems that the lumps in your baby’s brain are dissolving. That is a good sign.” I said, “What? Wait a minute. What is going on?” She said that in my last appointment, the technicians had noticed some lumps forming in the baby’s brain. They did not tell me anything because they did not want to worry me. Then she added, “These things happen to some women. Usually, they go away in time. And in this case, it seems like they are going away.” At home, I cried in gratitude. Although this may be normal in the baby’s development, I still got worried. After all, this is my first child and I don’t know about these things. Then, I realized that God has been keeping His promise. He is watching over my baby’s health! Holy is His mercy!

This past weekend, two friends came for a visit. They had mentioned that they were coming to bring some gifts for the baby. That Friday, in spite of having a really draining weekend (emotionally, physically), I awaited for them. To my surprise, the gifts were huge. In a nut shell, I received practically the entire components to the baby’s room, at no cost to us. This experience helped me learn that God always provides. God is so amazing!

A few days ago, I stumbled upon Psalms 30:2. In it David says to the Lord, ”O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.” Usually, I would have interpreted this as physical healing but this verse spoke to me and reminded me in what ways has God healed me in the past couple of months. He has healed me from stress, anxiety, worry, and doubt. In addition, even when I did not see what was lying ahead (apartments, baby’s health), God was taking care of it. He healed all the cracks that were in my life. And although, there are still many uncertainties in what lies ahead, somehow, based on what has happened in these past months, I know that God has got it covered. Thank God that we can cast all our worries upon Him. I am so grateful to Him and what He has done.

I hope that my experience can reassure you that no matter how many problems or uncertainties you have in your life, that God has it covered. God Bless You!

God: My Healer, My Helper (Part 2)

Along with the decision of keeping the baby, came the decision of having a responsible life. Now, we had to move to a bigger apartment, we couldn’t delve into the additional expenses we used to have. And our jobs, well, we had to pretty much “suck a lemon” and deal with it. We are still unhappy with our jobs but now, money is essential for the baby so we are not in the position to complain. I cried at this realization: “I am giving up my dreams and dream-job for my child.” This may not be something that is critical for others, but it was for me. I had worked really hard at school to have the “luxury” of looking for a job I liked. Now, I don’t have that privilege. Our first priority was to seek a bigger apartment or townhome. We did an extensive search for about a month and a half and had found a really nice townhome that we wanted. We liked the area, the price was a bit higher but was do-able. We even got pre-approved to rent the townhome. However, as we were doing budget and considering the costs of having a child, we realized that this price was not reasonable for our family. So, we asked the owners if they were willing to take the price down. For 2 weeks, we received no answer. Anyone, could safely assume that the owners hesitated on our request.

We decided that maybe we should start the search again, in case the owner’s answer was “No.” We began searching. Day in and day out for another 2 weeks, we looked at apartments. However, none of them were available. I was begin to get anxious. I was dealing with a stressful working environment (let’s just say that my pregnancy was not well received by everyone) and the realization that in less than 3 weeks we would be homeless. I cried and asked God to help but everywhere I went, another door closed. Door after door, I got more and more anxious. Finally, I broke down. I said to God, “All right, you win. I have tried everything in my power and I can’t find anything. I give up.” That same day, I decided to call my sister. She found an announcement for an apartment available only for that day. I went and a few hours later, I signed the lease to our new apartment! Glory be to God!

God: My Healer, My Helper (Part I)

You know, it has been a while since I have written anything in the blog. Mainly because life has happened: between moving, feeling sick, and dealing with the demands of life and work, I have not had the time to write. Today, I will talk about what has transpired in the past few months and the conclusion that I got just now. This blog may be subdivided into several parts, so hang in to your seats.

Ever since I moved to Maryland, I have been stressed and unhappy. Don’t get me wrong…I love the people I have met but I have not been happy with my job or the fast-paced lifestyle. My husband too has been unhappy about the same things. When I started my job, two months had not passed when I started to seek something else. I was desperate. I wanted to do a job I loved. I searched, met with people, and have even had interviews but all the doors seem to close in my face. I was upset. I had always believed that if I help myself first, God could do the rest.

And then, life happened. I found out I was expecting. This was both exciting and nerve-wrecking. I wasn’t ready to embrace motherhood and what it involved. For the first 3 months, I became depressed (yes, that vile word that everyone can relate to and should not allow themselves to be dominated by). I felt trapped. I had always heard from other family members and “friends” that it was my body and that I can abort a child if I wanted to. Those thoughts streamed to my head constantly. Of course, getting rid of it would be easy. I would not have to change my lifestyle and things could go back to normal. Yet, as a newborn Christian, I could not do it. I could not conceive the thought of giving away a gift from God, of rejecting His Love in human form. So, despite my depression and dark thoughts, I decided to keep the baby.

God Picks Up Any Type of Tear

A few weeks ago, the pastor stated that God has a jar that picks up each one of our tears. That comment struck deep into my soul. Any tears, huh? I wondered whether tears of anger, stress, anxiety, or guilt fit into that category. Well, the pastor did say ANY tears so I guess that means ALL.

But, why would God pick up ALL of our tears? Does He pick them up even when we are angry with Him? To me, that didn't make much sense. I mean, for me, tears derive from pain and sorrow and/or desperately needing God. Are the rest of the emotions (anger, stress, anxiety, guilt) derive from a great need to hear from Him?

Recently, I cried in the altar. While the pastor prayed for my stress and anxiety to go away, I was actually crying out of guilt. I felt guilty. Out of all the emotions I could be feeling in this new phase of my life, guilt was the main emotion I was experiencing.

You see, God has blessed me with a wonderful gift. But instead of seeing it as a blessing, I saw it as an obstacle. In my eyes, the gift was not given at the right time. And to add a cherry on the sundae, I was not sure I even wanted to receive His gift. As a child, I prayed in tears asking God to never give me this gift. And for a long time, I thought that He went through with it. Oh, how wrong was I!

It has been a hard couple of weeks for me. I have had to cope with the reality of this and accept the responsibility behind His gift. And in this process, I have cried and gotten angry and been stressed....basically, I have not been in my element. And suddenly, I remembered the words "God picks up any type of tear".....even guilt. At the altar, I cried out of guilt but also asked God for forgiveness. I thanked Him for my gift and promised that I would no longer think this way.

I know sometimes, life throws us a curveball that we may or may not be ready for. But if there is anything that I have learned in these past weeks is that there is nothing given to us that we cannot handle. I know that God picked up my guilty tears to show me that He loves me regardless of my thoughts and emotions. I hope that these guilty tears will soon become a part of a bigger volume of tears. In the process, the guilt tears will begin to dissipate and eventually, become negligible compared to the tears of joy for God's love.

God's Glory Manifested in Others

I was speaking with my sister over the phone the other day and she told me an amazing story. She was ready to go to home after a long day in the leasing office of an apartment complex, when suddenly the phone rang. "Please, I am trying to find my daughter. Her name is *Anna*. I am in Europe and we have been trying to contact her for a few days. Could you check to see if she is OK. I am so worried," said the man in a Russian accent. (**To protect her identity, I have used a fake name for this girl**)

My sister recalled her. She was a quiet girl that had an old dog. She had just moved into her building a few months ago from Russia with an interest to pursue an education. My sister knew that in the mornings and in the evenings, Anna got out of her apartment to walk the dog. So, my sister decided to wait until the evening to knock on the door. Knock, Knock, Knock. Silence filled the air. Knock, knock, knock. No answer. "That is strange," my sister thought. She decided to try again the next day. Knock, knock, knock. Still, no one answered the door.

That day, the Russian man called again. "Have you found her? What is going on?" he said in a worried tone. My sister replied, "I can't tell you what is happening but I will say that I am looking into it." The man replied and said "I have called so many times here and you have been the only one willing to help. Please call me if you hear something. I am so worried." That day, my sister contacted her boss and they decided to post a 24 hour notice on her door for an apartment inspection. After the 24 hours passed, my sister, her boss, and the maintenance manager walked in.

"What is that smell?" They walked into the bedroom and found an old dog looking at the owner's bed surrounded by his own feces. "You can tell no one has been here for days," stated the boss. They scanned the area and noticed that the dog was weak as he had not eaten for days. They decided to find some dog food and feed him. "We have to contact the police and a dog pound," indicated the maintenance manager. At this point, my sister indicated that something did not set quite right with her. Instead, she said "Don't take the dog to the pound. They will put him to sleep because of his age. Let him stay here. I will watch and take care of him." They all agreed to her proposal and decided to only contact the police and file a missing person report. Later that day, the police called the apartment complex. It appears that they had found the dog's owner. Anna was in the local jail. The police stated that she will be out of prison the next day. My sister was relieved that the girl was unharmed or worse, dead.

The next day, an embarrassed Russian girl entered the apartment complex. My sister saw her and told her to sit down. "Thank God you are alive. We were so worried," my sister indicated. As the Russian girl began to speak, she told her about what happened: "I was working in the department store *XY* and suddenly four girls including myself were arrested for stealing. I had only been a trainee in *XY* for a short time and no one ever told me that you cannot add a discount to an already discounted item. I rung these additional discounts without knowing that I was doing the wrong thing. Apparently, all of the trainees did the same thing. The department store *XY* found a $10,000 loss and blamed it on us without giving us the opportunity to explain. All the other girls had money to pay the bail but because I am all alone in this country and had no money, I had to stay in prison for 4 days! It was horrible. All I can remember was praying and pleading to God that my dog would be alive. My dog is all I have right now." (**For Anna's protection, the department store's name has been omitted too from this story**)

Tears strolled down Anna's cheeks. My sister calmly told her, "You think you were all alone in this world but you are not. God heard your pleas. Your dog is doing fine. I have been taking care of him for you and did not allow anyone to take him to the pound. Neighbors were concerned about your well-being and your father has been calling worried about your safety. Your apartment has been restored to its full state, free of charge. You thought you were alone but I am here to tell you that in the midst of that situation, we were here for you. Call your father. He is really worried." The girl thanked my sister and called her father. Tears of joy and relief could be heard from both ends. Anna returned to her dog who was happy to see her again.

As my sister told me this story, I leaped with amazement and joy. "You see. God can use anyone to manifest His glory. What better person to use than you," I told her. That night, I prayed. I asked that He continued to use us for His purposes. I thanked God for using my sister to help Anna. Glory to God!

Sometimes, we think that we are not capable of helping with God's plans for others. It is only on situations like this one that we realize the potential we have to bring into fruition God's glorious manifestation in the lives of others. If your Spirit prompts you to help someone in need, do so. Become the partaker and witness to God's Glory you are meant to be!