A Single Rose in the Snow

Ever since I have begun writing, I have been reliving pivotal events from my past. Two days ago, my memories got the best of me. I relived the pain, suffering and mixed feelings that I had towards the events that surrounded the death of my mentally retarded sister about six years ago. I didn’t want to worry my husband so I quietly went to the bathroom and in there, I cried. The strange thing about my tears was that I did not understand my tears. Why was I suffering for something I had overcome a long time ago? The more I tried to figure things out, the deeper my sadness...

The memory went something like this: I was coming back from college one day when all of a sudden I received a phone call from my mom. Her voice was frantic and although she did not make much sense, I heard the words, "Go to your father's house now!" over the phone. When I arrived to my father's house, I followed the lights to the living room. In that room, I saw my dad in a corner, some policemen and my sister’s lifeless body. My father approached me, said "she died in my arms" and leaned his head over my shoulders to cry. As the policemen covered the body and took the body bag away from us, my dad was trembling. I knew he couldn't deal with all the paperwork that involved her burial alone, especially considering that a few years earlier another of his daughters had passed away due to a rare blood disease. But before I offered to help, my father asked me to help him with the funeral arrangements. I went to the funeral home, picked out the casket, dress and flowers for my sister. The last day that my sister's casket was displayed in the funeral home, I had mixed emotions. I felt angry at the laughter that surrounded my sister's casket as the people were drinking hot chocolate and eating appetizers. I also felt worried and scared when I saw my step-brother glared at me with hate as he stepped into the funeral home accompanied by policemen. I was also very confused when I was told that my step-brother had accused my father and me for the murder of my mentally retarded sister and that the burial will be put on hold until an investigation had taken place. I remember feeling strangely calm as I was interrogated by agents about my supposed involvement in the death of my sister.

After the memory faded, I stopped crying in the bathroom. Instinctively, I picked myself up and prayed to God. I asked for His help. I want to serve and love the Lord with all of my heart but know far too well by experience that if I allow my memories to control me just like it did in the past, then I won't be able to start or even fulfill His purpose. I told Him that I remembered how He had helped my father and me during my sister's burial. I thanked Him because our reputation was restored when the police liberated us from the charges of my sister's death once the the coroner’s report came in. The report indicated that my sister had passed away due to natural causes. I thanked God and went to sleep that night.

A few days after my prayer, I saw the most interesting thing in Bethesda: a single red rose in the middle of a pile of snow. I thought to myself, “What a great Valentine’s Day gesture! A symbol of love and passion in the midst of cold and loneliness.” For the first time in a while, I felt happy.

Today, the pastor talked about having a heart ablazed for the Lord. He spoke about how we as Christians are a light to the world. He shared with us some of the feelings and thoughts he had during his childhood and how at the age of 9, God revealed to the pastor that God loved him. The pastor stated that God loves you for who you are regardless of your past or who your parents are. When the pastor stated this, my heart jumped. It seemed that part of this message was also for me as I began to recall the feelings I had a few days ago in that bathroom. I understood right there that recalling my past was more than my sister’s death. It was about feeling overwhelmed.

One of the constant aspects in my life is that I have always been expected to step up the plate in situations and for others. I always have had to deal with our family problems and am expected to respond in a certain manner. Even when I was not given the choice of a normal childhood, I was expected to be mature about it. When my sister passed away, I could not cry for her because of the expectation that I should be the strong one. Too many times, I have restricted who I am and what I think because of people's expectation of me. My entire life has been filled with meeting the expectations of others and putting myself aside as well as God’s purpose. And now, when I finally take a decision that it is time for God and me to fulfill His purpose, the enemy steps in and taunts me, expecting me to stop. Well, guess what. I have overcome too much with God's help to allow one single recollection of the past stop me. Simply, I refuse to stop trying to let the enemy overcome me when I am trying to serve God as best as I know how.

In this testimonial, I am sharing my sister’s story because although it is painful and full of examples of the darkness and cruelty of this world, I am here, alive, happy and telling you that God was a Light in my world. He pulled me through many situations and stills works with me. He helps me get past my many faults to show others that if with God's help I can overcome the problems the world throws, then so can you. Many times we are just like that single rose in the snow. We feel we are alone and the only ones that are put in situations that are not the most positive. We are exposed to the coldness of the world: jealousy, judgment, avarice, among others. But the wonderful truth is that even when we feel we are alone, we are not. God is with us always!

I am sure there are others that are going through a similar situation or feeling the same way I did when I recollected my past. You may feel that no one understands you, your circumstances and who you are because of them. You think that God does not and could not love someone so insignificant such as yourself. But I am telling you right now, “STOP IT!” Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop feeling that you are the only one with problems, stop feeling that God does not LOVE and could not FORGIVE you. Don’t lie to yourself. You are only hurting yourself and preventing that growth in God that you so desperately want. Be a single rose in the snow! Show yourself how in the midst of a snow packed pile, you can bring enough love and beauty to yourself and others to melt the snow away.

In the Midst of a Storm

In the midst of a snow storm, there is nothing better than a nice cup of hot chocolate, a good movie, and spending quality time with your loved ones. There is just something special about knowing that no matter what happens outside those doors, everything inside is perfectly fine. Of course, feeling secure during a snow storm will depend on the amount of information obtained from the media as well as the supplies acquired prior to the event. If only in our own lives, we could be given as much forewarning about our not-so-distant future as one obtains in preparation for a storm, life would be much easier. However, reality is that we have no knowledge of our future or for that matter where our lives are headed. This uncertainty at times can be frustrating, especially when we are anticipating changes in our lives due to a job, a decision or an event. Interestingly, even in these times of uncertainty, there is an anticipation or an expectation with respect to the outcome being of a positive or negative nature.

But what if the event is completely unexpected such as is the case of a natural disaster (i.e., Haiti earthquake). It must be devastating to the missionaries, volunteers and support groups stationed in that island to know that no matter the level of preparation to help the earthquake victims, there is little that is within their control. Furthermore, it must be even harder for the Haitians to know that no amount of money, supplies and support will replace the loss of their homes, loved ones and even their own future. Then again, even in the midst of this “storm” there is a small spec of hope and security when we, as outside spectators witness a Haitian surviving against unimaginable odds, days or even weeks after the earthquake struck. The even more amazing thing about witnessing such as event is that no matter the discrepancies between culture, society, or beliefs we all commonly empathize with the victim. We all feel happy and hopeful when a survivor is rescued from the rubble or when food and supplies reach the victims. Ironically, many of those that are happy about the survivors also blame God for an event of such magnitude. They say, “Why did God let this happen?” or “God has abandoned us.”

In my logic, I can’t understand how the world exclaims joy and can believe these statistically unlikely events and disbelieve that a greater power was involved in the survival of these victims. For that matter, I don’t understand why today’s science and technology does not recognize God’s presence when many fundamental scientific concepts are based on abstract thought or components that the naked eye cannot see. Why is it that humans can breathe and not see the air or establish languages that logically a primitive ape could not have developed or feel emotions that have not evolved (e.g., joy, sadness, doubt) since the beginning of time? Why is it that we feel secure when we have control over our destiny but panic when we leave it in God’s Hands?