God: My Healer, My Helper (Part 3-Final)

We moved thanks to the help of many friends and 3 weeks later, I had my regular appointment with the OBGYN. During that appointment, I found out that I was going to have a girl. Can you believe it? A baby girl. Although I did not know the sex of the baby at the time, one of the things I was praying for was for the baby’s health. That afternoon, the doctor said, “Well, it seems that the lumps in your baby’s brain are dissolving. That is a good sign.” I said, “What? Wait a minute. What is going on?” She said that in my last appointment, the technicians had noticed some lumps forming in the baby’s brain. They did not tell me anything because they did not want to worry me. Then she added, “These things happen to some women. Usually, they go away in time. And in this case, it seems like they are going away.” At home, I cried in gratitude. Although this may be normal in the baby’s development, I still got worried. After all, this is my first child and I don’t know about these things. Then, I realized that God has been keeping His promise. He is watching over my baby’s health! Holy is His mercy!

This past weekend, two friends came for a visit. They had mentioned that they were coming to bring some gifts for the baby. That Friday, in spite of having a really draining weekend (emotionally, physically), I awaited for them. To my surprise, the gifts were huge. In a nut shell, I received practically the entire components to the baby’s room, at no cost to us. This experience helped me learn that God always provides. God is so amazing!

A few days ago, I stumbled upon Psalms 30:2. In it David says to the Lord, ”O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.” Usually, I would have interpreted this as physical healing but this verse spoke to me and reminded me in what ways has God healed me in the past couple of months. He has healed me from stress, anxiety, worry, and doubt. In addition, even when I did not see what was lying ahead (apartments, baby’s health), God was taking care of it. He healed all the cracks that were in my life. And although, there are still many uncertainties in what lies ahead, somehow, based on what has happened in these past months, I know that God has got it covered. Thank God that we can cast all our worries upon Him. I am so grateful to Him and what He has done.

I hope that my experience can reassure you that no matter how many problems or uncertainties you have in your life, that God has it covered. God Bless You!

God: My Healer, My Helper (Part 2)

Along with the decision of keeping the baby, came the decision of having a responsible life. Now, we had to move to a bigger apartment, we couldn’t delve into the additional expenses we used to have. And our jobs, well, we had to pretty much “suck a lemon” and deal with it. We are still unhappy with our jobs but now, money is essential for the baby so we are not in the position to complain. I cried at this realization: “I am giving up my dreams and dream-job for my child.” This may not be something that is critical for others, but it was for me. I had worked really hard at school to have the “luxury” of looking for a job I liked. Now, I don’t have that privilege. Our first priority was to seek a bigger apartment or townhome. We did an extensive search for about a month and a half and had found a really nice townhome that we wanted. We liked the area, the price was a bit higher but was do-able. We even got pre-approved to rent the townhome. However, as we were doing budget and considering the costs of having a child, we realized that this price was not reasonable for our family. So, we asked the owners if they were willing to take the price down. For 2 weeks, we received no answer. Anyone, could safely assume that the owners hesitated on our request.

We decided that maybe we should start the search again, in case the owner’s answer was “No.” We began searching. Day in and day out for another 2 weeks, we looked at apartments. However, none of them were available. I was begin to get anxious. I was dealing with a stressful working environment (let’s just say that my pregnancy was not well received by everyone) and the realization that in less than 3 weeks we would be homeless. I cried and asked God to help but everywhere I went, another door closed. Door after door, I got more and more anxious. Finally, I broke down. I said to God, “All right, you win. I have tried everything in my power and I can’t find anything. I give up.” That same day, I decided to call my sister. She found an announcement for an apartment available only for that day. I went and a few hours later, I signed the lease to our new apartment! Glory be to God!

God: My Healer, My Helper (Part I)

You know, it has been a while since I have written anything in the blog. Mainly because life has happened: between moving, feeling sick, and dealing with the demands of life and work, I have not had the time to write. Today, I will talk about what has transpired in the past few months and the conclusion that I got just now. This blog may be subdivided into several parts, so hang in to your seats.

Ever since I moved to Maryland, I have been stressed and unhappy. Don’t get me wrong…I love the people I have met but I have not been happy with my job or the fast-paced lifestyle. My husband too has been unhappy about the same things. When I started my job, two months had not passed when I started to seek something else. I was desperate. I wanted to do a job I loved. I searched, met with people, and have even had interviews but all the doors seem to close in my face. I was upset. I had always believed that if I help myself first, God could do the rest.

And then, life happened. I found out I was expecting. This was both exciting and nerve-wrecking. I wasn’t ready to embrace motherhood and what it involved. For the first 3 months, I became depressed (yes, that vile word that everyone can relate to and should not allow themselves to be dominated by). I felt trapped. I had always heard from other family members and “friends” that it was my body and that I can abort a child if I wanted to. Those thoughts streamed to my head constantly. Of course, getting rid of it would be easy. I would not have to change my lifestyle and things could go back to normal. Yet, as a newborn Christian, I could not do it. I could not conceive the thought of giving away a gift from God, of rejecting His Love in human form. So, despite my depression and dark thoughts, I decided to keep the baby.

God Picks Up Any Type of Tear

A few weeks ago, the pastor stated that God has a jar that picks up each one of our tears. That comment struck deep into my soul. Any tears, huh? I wondered whether tears of anger, stress, anxiety, or guilt fit into that category. Well, the pastor did say ANY tears so I guess that means ALL.

But, why would God pick up ALL of our tears? Does He pick them up even when we are angry with Him? To me, that didn't make much sense. I mean, for me, tears derive from pain and sorrow and/or desperately needing God. Are the rest of the emotions (anger, stress, anxiety, guilt) derive from a great need to hear from Him?

Recently, I cried in the altar. While the pastor prayed for my stress and anxiety to go away, I was actually crying out of guilt. I felt guilty. Out of all the emotions I could be feeling in this new phase of my life, guilt was the main emotion I was experiencing.

You see, God has blessed me with a wonderful gift. But instead of seeing it as a blessing, I saw it as an obstacle. In my eyes, the gift was not given at the right time. And to add a cherry on the sundae, I was not sure I even wanted to receive His gift. As a child, I prayed in tears asking God to never give me this gift. And for a long time, I thought that He went through with it. Oh, how wrong was I!

It has been a hard couple of weeks for me. I have had to cope with the reality of this and accept the responsibility behind His gift. And in this process, I have cried and gotten angry and been stressed....basically, I have not been in my element. And suddenly, I remembered the words "God picks up any type of tear".....even guilt. At the altar, I cried out of guilt but also asked God for forgiveness. I thanked Him for my gift and promised that I would no longer think this way.

I know sometimes, life throws us a curveball that we may or may not be ready for. But if there is anything that I have learned in these past weeks is that there is nothing given to us that we cannot handle. I know that God picked up my guilty tears to show me that He loves me regardless of my thoughts and emotions. I hope that these guilty tears will soon become a part of a bigger volume of tears. In the process, the guilt tears will begin to dissipate and eventually, become negligible compared to the tears of joy for God's love.

God's Glory Manifested in Others

I was speaking with my sister over the phone the other day and she told me an amazing story. She was ready to go to home after a long day in the leasing office of an apartment complex, when suddenly the phone rang. "Please, I am trying to find my daughter. Her name is *Anna*. I am in Europe and we have been trying to contact her for a few days. Could you check to see if she is OK. I am so worried," said the man in a Russian accent. (**To protect her identity, I have used a fake name for this girl**)

My sister recalled her. She was a quiet girl that had an old dog. She had just moved into her building a few months ago from Russia with an interest to pursue an education. My sister knew that in the mornings and in the evenings, Anna got out of her apartment to walk the dog. So, my sister decided to wait until the evening to knock on the door. Knock, Knock, Knock. Silence filled the air. Knock, knock, knock. No answer. "That is strange," my sister thought. She decided to try again the next day. Knock, knock, knock. Still, no one answered the door.

That day, the Russian man called again. "Have you found her? What is going on?" he said in a worried tone. My sister replied, "I can't tell you what is happening but I will say that I am looking into it." The man replied and said "I have called so many times here and you have been the only one willing to help. Please call me if you hear something. I am so worried." That day, my sister contacted her boss and they decided to post a 24 hour notice on her door for an apartment inspection. After the 24 hours passed, my sister, her boss, and the maintenance manager walked in.

"What is that smell?" They walked into the bedroom and found an old dog looking at the owner's bed surrounded by his own feces. "You can tell no one has been here for days," stated the boss. They scanned the area and noticed that the dog was weak as he had not eaten for days. They decided to find some dog food and feed him. "We have to contact the police and a dog pound," indicated the maintenance manager. At this point, my sister indicated that something did not set quite right with her. Instead, she said "Don't take the dog to the pound. They will put him to sleep because of his age. Let him stay here. I will watch and take care of him." They all agreed to her proposal and decided to only contact the police and file a missing person report. Later that day, the police called the apartment complex. It appears that they had found the dog's owner. Anna was in the local jail. The police stated that she will be out of prison the next day. My sister was relieved that the girl was unharmed or worse, dead.

The next day, an embarrassed Russian girl entered the apartment complex. My sister saw her and told her to sit down. "Thank God you are alive. We were so worried," my sister indicated. As the Russian girl began to speak, she told her about what happened: "I was working in the department store *XY* and suddenly four girls including myself were arrested for stealing. I had only been a trainee in *XY* for a short time and no one ever told me that you cannot add a discount to an already discounted item. I rung these additional discounts without knowing that I was doing the wrong thing. Apparently, all of the trainees did the same thing. The department store *XY* found a $10,000 loss and blamed it on us without giving us the opportunity to explain. All the other girls had money to pay the bail but because I am all alone in this country and had no money, I had to stay in prison for 4 days! It was horrible. All I can remember was praying and pleading to God that my dog would be alive. My dog is all I have right now." (**For Anna's protection, the department store's name has been omitted too from this story**)

Tears strolled down Anna's cheeks. My sister calmly told her, "You think you were all alone in this world but you are not. God heard your pleas. Your dog is doing fine. I have been taking care of him for you and did not allow anyone to take him to the pound. Neighbors were concerned about your well-being and your father has been calling worried about your safety. Your apartment has been restored to its full state, free of charge. You thought you were alone but I am here to tell you that in the midst of that situation, we were here for you. Call your father. He is really worried." The girl thanked my sister and called her father. Tears of joy and relief could be heard from both ends. Anna returned to her dog who was happy to see her again.

As my sister told me this story, I leaped with amazement and joy. "You see. God can use anyone to manifest His glory. What better person to use than you," I told her. That night, I prayed. I asked that He continued to use us for His purposes. I thanked God for using my sister to help Anna. Glory to God!

Sometimes, we think that we are not capable of helping with God's plans for others. It is only on situations like this one that we realize the potential we have to bring into fruition God's glorious manifestation in the lives of others. If your Spirit prompts you to help someone in need, do so. Become the partaker and witness to God's Glory you are meant to be!

Tides of Change

Recently, church has been different. More and more people are getting saved. A newfound love for God is being rekindled within the old and new church members. Others have even received the Holy Spirit for the first time! There is a tide of change in the church. Thank God for that!

I have never seen such a significant change in such a short span of time. Sure, I have visited many churches in my lifetime but this is the first time I have seen the speaking of tongues, the audible chants and cries from church members towards God and witnessed or experienced blessings that cannot be explained. Could it be that the actively and passionately seeking of God can lead to such a significant transformation?

Today, the Holy Spirit is taking ahold of my hands. Today, I am writing to tell you to “Step up your game plan.” Many of you are questioning why you have not experienced the blessings that God has given others. You wonder why you are always stuck in the same state whereas others experience the manifestation of God’s love in their lives. You are saying: “ I don’t deserve it. I have made and keep on making so many mistakes that God would never transform me the way He is doing with others.”

But today, as a witness of God’s mercy and love, I am telling you that the tides are changing. If you are not in sync with God’s game plan then you are in the sidelines watching His miracles go by. STEP UP YOUR GAME PLAN! Being a passive, inactive Christian will get you nowhere. The time for change is now!

The Intercessor

Sometimes, when life gets busy, we tend to omit God from it. For example, a few months/years ago, I was in graduate school. In order to obtain the desired advanced degree, one had to work nearly impossible hours. During that time, I worked on weekends, nights, early mornings, Saturdays, Sundays...you name it. I worked and worked and worked some more. There were times when going to meet a friend for lunch was impossible or spending time with my husband required some planning. In those years, I was not happy. And although my hard work gave forth educational and professional rewards, I felt empty.

Since I wanted to get the degree and because I wanted to be acknowledged in the process, God was put on the back-burner. Despite my successes, my busy schedule eventually caused me to feel "burnt-out." Little by little and without notice, "life"took a toll on my emotions. Suddenly, I struggled to get out of bed every morning and battled insomnia most nights. Something was not right. Something was missing.

Halfway during graduate school, I met a woman from Rhode Island. She was a Christian and was always very cheerful and enthusiastic about God. My initial impression was that she was a religious fanatic. "No one should be this cheerful about God," I thought as I continued to work. Ironically, I found myself desiring her joy. I wanted to feel happy and peaceful in spite all the stress.

Slowly but surely, our relationship evolved from a simple "hello" in the hallways to dinner in her house. The more she spoke about God and her relationship with Him, the more I desired to know Him. What I once wanted, professional success, no longer became my desire. My desire is to develop a closer relationship with Him. I was blessed to have completed my degree during graduate school but now, I try to make sure that what I do is in line with God's desire. I still struggle with defining His desires for me and that my desires are aligned with His. I pray that our desires align but in all honesty, sometimes, I don't know what to pray for.

I was reading Romans the other day when a scripture caught my attention: Romans 8:26-27. In it, it talks about living in the Spirit. His Word says that our Spirit helps us in our weaknesses and that although we sometimes don't know what we should pray for, our Spirit "intercedes with groans that words cannot express." That message really spoke to me. For me, it means that no matter how "life" pans out, our desires are known to God. That means that with all the craziness of life, our Spirit intercedes for us at all hours of the day, night, on weekdays and on weekends! What a wonderful gift! Praise Jesus!

Knowing is Half the Battle

Earlier this week, I was on my way to the bus stop when lo-and-behold, the bus passed right in front of my eyes. I thought to myself, "Great, now I have to wait another 20 minutes!" I breathed deeply and sat down to wait for the next bus. A few minutes later, a strange man came limping to the bench. He sat down next to me. His face was distraught and his clothes were covered in blood.

"I got ran over by a car a few hours ago. I just came back from the hospital but I can't stay there. I have to take care of my mother. She is all alone at home," he said. Of course, being a bit skeptical I analyzed this. I thought, "This can't be true. I mean, how did he get to the bus stop from the hospital?" As soon as I was about to speak, my spirit said, "Be quiet and listen." At that moment, the man spoke. He told me that he had been with some friends crossing the street when a car hit him, dragging him through the asphalt. Consequently, his head was badly scraped, had a couple of broken ribs and a fractured wrist. Interestingly, I found myself confirming his story by scanning his bruises. Indeed, he had fresh scrapes all over his head, his wrist was in a cast and some of his fingers were covered in blood and what looked like dirt or asphalt. Also, he was leaning on one side as if his ribs were hurting him. He started crying. He said, "I can't believe this is happening. Last year, I had a car accident and broke my foot. That foot is now half-titanium, half-bone. I don't get it, I am a good man." As he continued to speak, I learned that he had been married to a Jewish woman for 17 years but unfortunately got divorced two years ago. Since then, he had dealt with bankruptcy, car accidents and losing his job.

Before I got around to ask him anything, the bus arrived. I decided to help him climb the stairs. Once inside, everyone stared at the man with disgust. Some, even had the nerve to stand up and move as far away from him as possible. The only people near the man were the bus driver and myself. The bus driver saw the man and immediately spoke to him. After hearing the man's story, the bus driver said, "You are lucky to be alive." Out of sympathy, the bus driver gave the man a free bus pass so he could get home. Instantly, the man began to cry and said, "Everyone has told me that. Praise Jesus!"

Once the bus arrived to the train station, the man climbed out. I wasn't sure what to do so I asked for his name. "Billy, my name is Billy," he said. I began to think but almost immediately found myself going through my bag. I lifted from it the only money I had, a five dollar bill and handed it to him. I told him to use the money to buy a train ticket to the nearest stop from his home and to use the bus pass to get to his final destination. The man gave me a hug and thanked me. He indicated that he wasn't sure if the bus pass would be enough for him to get home. I accompanied him to the ticketing booth where he got a one-way ticket to his nearest train stop. As we went down the escalators, Billy said, "I am a soldier for God. What doesn't break me makes me stronger, right?" I nodded. Soon after, the train arrived. He smiled, thanked me, and got on the train.

To this day, I don't know whether the man was telling the whole truth or not. What I do know was that I was in no position to assume or even judge him (Romans 2:1). I know that as a Christian I had to love him just as Jesus loves His Church (I Corinthians 13). I think what motivated me to help Billy was that I also understood that knowing is only half the battle. The other half of the battle is to put into practice His Word because otherwise we begin to deceive ourselves (James 1:23-24).

I pray that Billy can see past his troubles to see the glory that God was showing him through the kindness of strangers. I pray that he continues to find the blessings that God will manifest in his life so that he can someday help others as well.

A Prison for your Thoughts

The brain is a wonderful part of the human body. In it, emotions, memories, learning and motility are controlled through a unique and intricate system of neurons and other supporting cells, that, in unison maintain you healthy and alert. Our brains can store our memories and in it, we analyze our thoughts.

Thoughts, are an important component of the mind that distinguishes us from the rest of the mammals. We can have positive thoughts such as the birth of a child or negative thoughts such as those of neglect and abuse. These thoughts, via a fascinating and complex process, have the potential of becoming a part of your memory.

Recently, I learned that some researchers believe that adults are able to recall more vividly the negative events in their life than elderly people. I wondered about this. Why does the majority of our life linger on the bad thoughts and not the good ones?

Until now, the majority of my life was full of negative thoughts that prevented me from getting closer to God. My mind became a prison for my thoughts. The first memory of such an example began when I was five years old. During a fall night, my dad came home late after attending his mother, my grandmother, who was in the hospital. My mother was boiling water in the kitchen and was waiting for him to tell her about his hospital visit. Instead, my father said he was tired and went to brush his teeth. I followed my father. I was worried and wanted to ask him more about Grandma. However, before I could get a single word out of my mouth, my father ran to the kitchen.

I wasn’t sure what had happened so I quickly followed him. I scanned the kitchen and found it had changed. The pot that was in the stove was now in the floor. My mother that was calming boiling water now had a look of fear in her eyes as she was cornered between the wall and my father’s hands. As she attempted to scream weak words came from her mouth. My father’s grip on her throat must have been incredibly strong. Since no audible voice came out of her mouth, she decided to scratch his face. After several attempts, she managed to scratch him on his left cheek. Big mistake.

He went to grab the pot from the floor, which I am guessing was to hit her with it. As he crouched down to pick up the pot, she managed to loosen from his grip. Immediately, she ran to the living room. Unfortunately, my dad was fast and managed to grab her by the arm. He turned her around towards him and began slapping her hard. Then, he grabbed her head and started banging it against the wall.

I was afraid. I screamed, “Stop! Please stop!” without any results. So, I decided to push my father away from my mother. I dug my little feet firmly in the ground and with all my strength I pushed. However, all I accomplished was to squeeze my hands in between their stomachs. This seemed to work because soon after, my father and mother looked at me and stopped. And just like that my father went to his room, my mother went to the guest room, and I was alone in the living room, full of questions and thoughts.

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I cried and cried not understanding what had just happened. “It is my fault,” I muttered. “I must be a very bad person, if they had to fight that way,” I thought. Days went by and no one spoke about the incident. Every day that went by, my thoughts progressively tortured me more and more. Days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years. On numerous occasions, I was the only witness to the domestic abuse that occurred at home. And every time it happened, no one spoke to me for days. The silence drove me literally "crazy".

That single event caused, in time, my thoughts to evolve from “It is my fault” to “I am so unworthy”. Towards my pre-teen years, my feelings of unworth were so great that I did not look at anyone directly in the eyes. I would not dare. I was afraid that if people would see me, they could point out that I was a bad person. Even when I heard from others on God’s love for me, I couldn’t see it. In my mind, God could never love such an unworthy person such as myself.

For many years, I was a prisoner of my thoughts. I was enveloped in this dark world of thoughts, emotions, and misconceived notions of the events surrounding me. During this time, my relationship with God became stagnant and no growth in my spiritual life occurred. I know that many of us could relate to this anecdote, in one way or another.

When I started to write this blog, I had no idea that God would show me clip by clip my life. I never realized that for every instance in my life where I felt unloved and misunderstood, God was there hugging me, loving me and telling me “Its OK if your life is not good because I have always been and will always be here for you”.

In my opinion, you have two choices: (1) you can allow your thoughts to control you and prevent you from experiencing the much needed change that God wants in your life or (2) you can hold those thoughts “by the horns” and say that with the authority given to you by Christ who died in the cross for your sins, you control them. The choice is yours.

To Believe and Not Love, THAT is the Question

Sickness has always surrounded my family. When I was thirteen years old, my five-year old cousin died of brain cancer. At fifteen, my great-grandmother and grandmother died of bone cancer within a span of a few months. At twenty-one, my uncle died of colon cancer. At twenty-two, my sister died of a heart attack. Three months ago, my uncle died of throat cancer. And that is not counting those cousins, uncles and aunts that are currently suffering from diabetes, high blood pressure and mental problems.

In my immediate family, sickness surrounds us as well. For the past nine years, my brother has been treated for a disease that doctors are yet to diagnose. Subsequently, in trying to determine the root of his disease, doctors have subjected him to numerous treatments and hospitalizations that have spanned from clinics to mental institutions. While many doctors are well-intentioned in trying to find the cause, they also disagree on the full diagnosis of his physical manifestations. Consequently, their disagreement has led to constant changes in doses, types of medications and treatments. With each change, another side effect compounds to his long list of symptoms. At the age of 24, my brother now suffers from liver failure, heart problems, muscle degeneration and constant epileptic attacks, half of which he did not have at one point in his life.

The not-fully resolved mystery of my brother's sickness have caused doctors to be cautious of allowing my brother to be an active member of his own life. By doctors' orders, my brother cannot travel by plane, drive a car and even go to school for fear that he will have one or many of his physical "episodes" in the middle of a classroom. Because of this, my brother has been isolated from the world. He has no friends, never has had a girlfriend and his hopes to get married and have children get slimmer and slimmer as time goes by.

Recently, I received a call from my brother. He was depressed and like always he wouldn’t let us know what was happening with him. I tried my best to talk to him and cheer him up but he hung up soon after. The next day, my mother called. She begged me to call him more often. She indicated that he was very sad the day before because according to him, “I have had to suffer more than anyone else I know. I wish I could have a normal life.” I pondered about this. Surely, I have had a rough life but in comparison to him, I am very blessed. I have a husband, have traveled, drive a car, have friends and am learning to know God.

I decided to call my brother the next day. He seemed in better spirits so I took the opportunity to inform him that I have started to go to church. As I completed my announcement, my brother screamed. “What are you doing? Don’t you know they are a bunch of fanatics? They are all hypocrites that want your money,” he indicated. Of course, these comments were not a surprise to me as these are the exact words of his caretaker, my father. I recollected myself, smiled, and told him that God loves Him. He responded, “I know He exists, I just don’t love Him.” I was hurt by his words. How could he not love God? “The Lord has always been with us despite all our problems,” I thought. After a few minutes, we changed the subject and hung up.

That thought though: “I believe but I don’t love” kept revolving in my head. To me, it didn’t make sense. I thought about it a bit more but then quickly forgot. The week went by and I continued to read one of the chapters for my homegroup. As I read about the Israelites in the base of the mountain and Aaron making them a calf god, I realized that believing without love is an actual possibility. Here are the Israelites at the base of the mountain believing in God but not loving Him enough to dwell with Him at the mountain top.

What a sad reality. God had done so much for them yet when it was the Israelites’ turn to love Him back, they retracted. Or at least, they did not love Him enough to go the top of the mountain and dwell with Him. Three million people at the base of the mountain blatantly told God, “I believe in You but I don’t love You that much to have a relationship with You.” How sad! I can’t begin to fathom how God must have felt when He heard that or how He feels when to this day, our nation asks Him to leave our schools and our lives.

Then and there, I realized that my brother’s words were not so far away from the truth. Can you imagine how many people are telling God that they believe in His existence yet because society doesn’t see it fit, that they can’t love Him enough to follow and interact with Him? How many of us need serious healing in our lives (emotional, spiritual, physical) but don’t understand how to begin believing and/or how to love Him enough to allow Him to perform those miracles in our lives? I don’t have those answers nor do I know at what point will God bless my family and heal/free them from all of their suffering. All I know is that I love Him and that no matter how life pans out, He is my Savior and the one true thing that I will ever need.

The Freedom to Obey (Part 2)

Step by step, I climbed up the ladder. I looked straight ahead. I did not want to look down! I thought to myself, "Hey, this isn't so bad. The ladder is stable and I am slowly going up." As I climbed, I saw more and more tree branches while the people got smaller and smaller. Suddenly, I arrived to the step before the final one. I hesitated. Temptation sept in and I looked down. For the first time during the climb, I was scared. I thought to myself "What if I fall?" and I held tighter to the ladder.

Although I don't recall everything at that moment, I do remember hearing a voice from below say, "Just try to go up that last step and see how it feels." Hesitantly, I followed the person's advice and I climbed up that final step. At that precise moment, I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe I had gone up that final step! I was so happy that I pushed myself from the ladder and instantaneously floated in mid-air, held by very vigilant harness rope holders. As I descended to the ground, I pondered about what just happened but as the activities of the retreat continued, I soon forgot about the incident.

The next day, we drove back home and that night I could not sleep. I kept thinking about the ladder activity and about the homegroup talk we had the week prior about getting Egypt out of the Israelites. As I tossed and turned, I kept hearing the recurring phrase: "To obey you need to let go." I wasn't sure what that meant exactly. My natural mind thought that if to let go means to free yourself from something and in order to obey you need freedom, then freedom and obedience contradict each other. However, I knew that couldn't be right because I continued to have this phrase "follow" me throughout the week.

Yesterday, as I continued to ponder on this phrase, I thought again about the ladder and the story of Moses bringing the Israelites into the wilderness. I realized that they were both related! Praise God!

As the students went up the ladder, many hesitated to go up the final step. Why? Clearly, everyone in the group made sure that they were doing their part. Furthermore, why did I hesitate on that final step when I had been a guideline and a harness rope holder and knew what both encompassed?

I realized that although it was not an ideal situation (e.g., up in a ladder in mid-air), I had very quickly adapted to that awkward scenario. It must have been instinct that caused you to adjust to the ladder steps. Was it possible that the Israelites had grown accustomed to the mistreatments by the Egyptians? I then pondered more about getting to the final step and letting go of the ladder. Why was I scared? Even as I was told to obey and let go, I hesitated. Maybe the Israelites were also afraid to take a leap of faith and let go of what they knew, even if it was not the best situation. The ironic part was that the Israelites were so close to dwelling with God! So close and yet when the final step came, they hesitated.

And then I thought that I should be proud that I let go of the ladder because I was able to see the consequences of my actions: an exciting and unforgettable experience. What would have happened if the Israelites had "let go of Egypt" and obeyed God's desire to dwell in them? Things for sure would have been very different.

I can't help but think how many times in our lives have we been close to a breakthrough in our relationship with God and yet when we get to that final step, we hesitate. If to "obey you need to let go", how many strongholds in our lives prevent us from obeying God's will? How many times and how long must we stand in that final step before we can truly have the freedom to obey?

The Freedom to Obey (Part 1)

This past weekend, my husband and I were invited to a retreat from the University of Maryland-Baltimore Campus. The retreat's intention was to promote education and encourage minorities to continue towards completing their graduate degrees. Our role was to simply listen and provide the students with positive encouragement during many of the outdoor activities of the retreat.

I thought that the activities would include a small hike and some form of camping. But the activities that we were a part of were completely different from what we expected. Let me show you an example of such activity:
The images you see is an example of one of the outdoor activities we were a part of this weekend. For this activity, 10 people were required. Four people held 4 red ropes that were attached to the top of the ladder: two ropes were holding the front portion of the ladder and the remaining 2 ropes were holding the back of the ladder. The people holding the four red ropes were referred to as guidelines. Their role was to extend all the red ropes simultaneously with the purpose of lifting the ladder in mid-air while keeping the ladder straight. The other 4 people were in charge of holding the ropes that were attached to the harness of the climber. Two students held one rope, which attached to the right side of the harness and the remaining two students held the rope that was connected to the left side of the harness. Their role was to help the climber go up the ladder steps and served as a "safety net" for the climber in case there was a slip-up. The ninth person was the project manager, which overlooked all of the tasks and the tenth and most important person was the "volunteer" climber (although everyone was volunteered!).

The climber in my opinion had a hard task. He/she had to climb the steps while communicating to the guidelines if the ladder was unstable or to the others if the harness was loose. In addition, once the climber reached the second-to-top step of the ladder, he/she had to let go of the ladder's sides, raise their hands in a cross-like fashion and push themselves from the ladder to mid-air. What a task!

My first thought was "There is no way I am going up that ladder!" Instead, I decided to be delay my climb as much as I could. In order to delay this process, I volunteered to be one of the guidelines first. After my duties as a guideline were completed and it was time to rotate roles, I then volunteered to hold the ropes tied to the harness. Trust me. I did not want to go up and did all I could to avoid it!

The first climber that volunteered was an 18-19 year student. He was super excited and started going up the ladder very fast. It was very scary from the rope holder's perspective as we had to be very aware and make sure the student was stable while he climbed. After all, his life was in our hands! To ensure the climber's safety, we worked in teams. We communicated (mainly shouted!) if one of the rope holders was not paying attention or if the climber was going too fast for the rope holders to keep pace.

One by one, the students all had a chance to go up that ladder. Many students were very confident and without hesitation let go of the ladder. Others, were very frightened and hesitated to let go for fear of falling and/or that the rope holders were not paying attention. As I watched every student go up the ladder, I noticed that although every single one of them successfully let go of the ladder in the end, there was a moment of hesitation once they reached that final step. As I kept thinking about that, one of the team leaders said, "OK, it is your turn." I was harnessed and the ropes attached to my harness were fastened. I took a deep breath and commenced to climb.

(TO BE CONTINUED....)

A Single Rose in the Snow

Ever since I have begun writing, I have been reliving pivotal events from my past. Two days ago, my memories got the best of me. I relived the pain, suffering and mixed feelings that I had towards the events that surrounded the death of my mentally retarded sister about six years ago. I didn’t want to worry my husband so I quietly went to the bathroom and in there, I cried. The strange thing about my tears was that I did not understand my tears. Why was I suffering for something I had overcome a long time ago? The more I tried to figure things out, the deeper my sadness...

The memory went something like this: I was coming back from college one day when all of a sudden I received a phone call from my mom. Her voice was frantic and although she did not make much sense, I heard the words, "Go to your father's house now!" over the phone. When I arrived to my father's house, I followed the lights to the living room. In that room, I saw my dad in a corner, some policemen and my sister’s lifeless body. My father approached me, said "she died in my arms" and leaned his head over my shoulders to cry. As the policemen covered the body and took the body bag away from us, my dad was trembling. I knew he couldn't deal with all the paperwork that involved her burial alone, especially considering that a few years earlier another of his daughters had passed away due to a rare blood disease. But before I offered to help, my father asked me to help him with the funeral arrangements. I went to the funeral home, picked out the casket, dress and flowers for my sister. The last day that my sister's casket was displayed in the funeral home, I had mixed emotions. I felt angry at the laughter that surrounded my sister's casket as the people were drinking hot chocolate and eating appetizers. I also felt worried and scared when I saw my step-brother glared at me with hate as he stepped into the funeral home accompanied by policemen. I was also very confused when I was told that my step-brother had accused my father and me for the murder of my mentally retarded sister and that the burial will be put on hold until an investigation had taken place. I remember feeling strangely calm as I was interrogated by agents about my supposed involvement in the death of my sister.

After the memory faded, I stopped crying in the bathroom. Instinctively, I picked myself up and prayed to God. I asked for His help. I want to serve and love the Lord with all of my heart but know far too well by experience that if I allow my memories to control me just like it did in the past, then I won't be able to start or even fulfill His purpose. I told Him that I remembered how He had helped my father and me during my sister's burial. I thanked Him because our reputation was restored when the police liberated us from the charges of my sister's death once the the coroner’s report came in. The report indicated that my sister had passed away due to natural causes. I thanked God and went to sleep that night.

A few days after my prayer, I saw the most interesting thing in Bethesda: a single red rose in the middle of a pile of snow. I thought to myself, “What a great Valentine’s Day gesture! A symbol of love and passion in the midst of cold and loneliness.” For the first time in a while, I felt happy.

Today, the pastor talked about having a heart ablazed for the Lord. He spoke about how we as Christians are a light to the world. He shared with us some of the feelings and thoughts he had during his childhood and how at the age of 9, God revealed to the pastor that God loved him. The pastor stated that God loves you for who you are regardless of your past or who your parents are. When the pastor stated this, my heart jumped. It seemed that part of this message was also for me as I began to recall the feelings I had a few days ago in that bathroom. I understood right there that recalling my past was more than my sister’s death. It was about feeling overwhelmed.

One of the constant aspects in my life is that I have always been expected to step up the plate in situations and for others. I always have had to deal with our family problems and am expected to respond in a certain manner. Even when I was not given the choice of a normal childhood, I was expected to be mature about it. When my sister passed away, I could not cry for her because of the expectation that I should be the strong one. Too many times, I have restricted who I am and what I think because of people's expectation of me. My entire life has been filled with meeting the expectations of others and putting myself aside as well as God’s purpose. And now, when I finally take a decision that it is time for God and me to fulfill His purpose, the enemy steps in and taunts me, expecting me to stop. Well, guess what. I have overcome too much with God's help to allow one single recollection of the past stop me. Simply, I refuse to stop trying to let the enemy overcome me when I am trying to serve God as best as I know how.

In this testimonial, I am sharing my sister’s story because although it is painful and full of examples of the darkness and cruelty of this world, I am here, alive, happy and telling you that God was a Light in my world. He pulled me through many situations and stills works with me. He helps me get past my many faults to show others that if with God's help I can overcome the problems the world throws, then so can you. Many times we are just like that single rose in the snow. We feel we are alone and the only ones that are put in situations that are not the most positive. We are exposed to the coldness of the world: jealousy, judgment, avarice, among others. But the wonderful truth is that even when we feel we are alone, we are not. God is with us always!

I am sure there are others that are going through a similar situation or feeling the same way I did when I recollected my past. You may feel that no one understands you, your circumstances and who you are because of them. You think that God does not and could not love someone so insignificant such as yourself. But I am telling you right now, “STOP IT!” Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop feeling that you are the only one with problems, stop feeling that God does not LOVE and could not FORGIVE you. Don’t lie to yourself. You are only hurting yourself and preventing that growth in God that you so desperately want. Be a single rose in the snow! Show yourself how in the midst of a snow packed pile, you can bring enough love and beauty to yourself and others to melt the snow away.

In the Midst of a Storm

In the midst of a snow storm, there is nothing better than a nice cup of hot chocolate, a good movie, and spending quality time with your loved ones. There is just something special about knowing that no matter what happens outside those doors, everything inside is perfectly fine. Of course, feeling secure during a snow storm will depend on the amount of information obtained from the media as well as the supplies acquired prior to the event. If only in our own lives, we could be given as much forewarning about our not-so-distant future as one obtains in preparation for a storm, life would be much easier. However, reality is that we have no knowledge of our future or for that matter where our lives are headed. This uncertainty at times can be frustrating, especially when we are anticipating changes in our lives due to a job, a decision or an event. Interestingly, even in these times of uncertainty, there is an anticipation or an expectation with respect to the outcome being of a positive or negative nature.

But what if the event is completely unexpected such as is the case of a natural disaster (i.e., Haiti earthquake). It must be devastating to the missionaries, volunteers and support groups stationed in that island to know that no matter the level of preparation to help the earthquake victims, there is little that is within their control. Furthermore, it must be even harder for the Haitians to know that no amount of money, supplies and support will replace the loss of their homes, loved ones and even their own future. Then again, even in the midst of this “storm” there is a small spec of hope and security when we, as outside spectators witness a Haitian surviving against unimaginable odds, days or even weeks after the earthquake struck. The even more amazing thing about witnessing such as event is that no matter the discrepancies between culture, society, or beliefs we all commonly empathize with the victim. We all feel happy and hopeful when a survivor is rescued from the rubble or when food and supplies reach the victims. Ironically, many of those that are happy about the survivors also blame God for an event of such magnitude. They say, “Why did God let this happen?” or “God has abandoned us.”

In my logic, I can’t understand how the world exclaims joy and can believe these statistically unlikely events and disbelieve that a greater power was involved in the survival of these victims. For that matter, I don’t understand why today’s science and technology does not recognize God’s presence when many fundamental scientific concepts are based on abstract thought or components that the naked eye cannot see. Why is it that humans can breathe and not see the air or establish languages that logically a primitive ape could not have developed or feel emotions that have not evolved (e.g., joy, sadness, doubt) since the beginning of time? Why is it that we feel secure when we have control over our destiny but panic when we leave it in God’s Hands?