It has been a while since I have written a blog. Maybe because I was discouraged that few have read it or maybe because of the overwhelming, sometimes choking events of life. All I know is that I have a need to write. To write my thoughts, my struggles, and my discoveries as I progress as a Christian, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and human being.
I realize now that we have many roles in our lives. Sometimes those roles engulf our lives and don't allow us to fully enjoy the wonderful things that God has provided. Last weekend I was in a women's conference and although it was a wonderful experience, I was very burdened. I recall meeting another woman from church and seeing in her eyes a deep seeded tiredness that I could relate to. Being a professional mom is not easy. Being a reliable, professional mom is even harder. There are so many commitments that I need to follow through and so many tasks that I need to finish. Consequently, I have experienced incredible remorse. I miss my family. I miss hugging my baby. I miss my husband. And most of all, I miss having time with God. The last statement rings so true to my heart that at times, I wonder if everything we fight for is really helping us know God on a deeper level.
Last week I found out that there is a big possibility that my father has cancer. What hurts me the most from this announcement is that I didn't hear this from him. He refuses to tell my siblings and I about his situation. This is hard for me because I want to have to opportunity to talk to him about God's healing power but I can't do that if he won't talk to me. As a result, I have felt alone and without an avenue to express my sorrow and frustration.
A few minutes ago, I received a comment to one of my blogs from last year. As I began reading my past blogs, I was reminded that despite all the changes in my life (Joshua 1:9), that God has been with me at all times. I know that He is a healer and that His purposes are greater than my own. Ephesians 1:11 says that "In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will." I know God has a plan. Even if I don't see it. Even if it doesn't feel right. God knows the desires of my heart and He knows the desires of yours.
I guess deep in my gut, I know everything will work out for His glory. I just need to tell myself in these hard times to be strong in Him, to carry His joy even when my flesh and soul mourns. I can only imagine what Paul must have felt writing and encouraging so many people with his letters. I wonder if the same people that received healing from his writings reciprocated to Paul. I assume that the numbers did not match. But Paul had Jesus by His side to sustain him, to lift him up in times of trouble, and to encourage him whenever it seemed there was no solution. And thanks to Jesus's sacrifice, so do we.
